Kelly's Testimony

Kelly is a young woman who is a chatter from the http://wwcol.com chat rooms. I met her some time ago in room 2 and she has agreed to share her testimony. If you would like to share your testimony on this site please email it to lin@wwcol-church.comKelly's Testimony
For just about as long as I can remember my life was a competition.....with my sisters. Even in grade school it just seemed like they were the golden children who had everything going for them. Me...well....I was less than an expemplary student. Even when I eventually made it on to the honor roll that was not enough. That was the story of my life...whatever goal I thought would help me to feel somewhat worthy and close to being what I wanted left me wanting more and feeling more empty and hollow after the initial euphoria wore off.

I've always had some faith...but, looking back I obviouslly didn't really get it at all. Part of me knew that God made me to be me, but yet, the comparisons and hurt continued. Most people knew I worried a lot, but except at home I managed to hide the comparisons within myself. A couple years out of college I had a good friend saw a poster one of my Aunts had sent me with my name and the word courage or strength under it. One of my good high school friends asked...shouldn't that be worry-wort??

But, everything really came to a head last year in college after the death of a friend. Then I just really starting falling apart.....there were days that I literally would do nothing but lay on my bed and think and cry when I didn't have to be at school. Part of it was the death especially because I work at a home..they just seem to all add up...but, a big part was all of this competition that I could never really get rid of. Heck, I thought I was dealing with everything...but, I obviouslly wasn't, even though everyone outside of a few good friends thought I was fine. My own mom just thought I was lazy and just needed to get moving.So....after being encouraged by my friends that I needed to get it together I started my lloooonnggg journey of healing by seeking a counselor at school. It was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. Well...that was last fall.....and then there was no one there over Christmas break...and I was doing ok...and I tried to be ok during the spring semester...but, finally it became clear that I was slipping again and need to take care of myself again much as I hated to admit it...so, into counseling I went again. This time it was with a woman who could understand some of what I am experiencing a little bit more. She helped me realize that a lot of my problems were in my perception of my circumstances and what my parents tried to tell me....especially my mom who can seem to be overbearing at times. Though, i'm starting to really appreciate the fact that it is a combination of love and wanting to hold on.

But, it wasn't really until this Christmas after a lot of struggling that I really started to get it. A few of my good friends gave me a gentle reminder that I could risk losing friends and it felt like they were distant because they were trying to figure out why they couldn't help me feel like I was loved and worth something. One of my good friends helped me see that even God felt that way..wondering, waiting...why won't she get it??? when will she get it?? what do I have to do to make her get it??? Even over this summer friends tried to tell me this...I wasn't ready to listen because I was so wrapped up in my pain and self-degredation. Christmas Eve I got a card from a dear friend that had a line on it from a song that I hadn't sung since high school. The chorus of it goes. But, sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair, my heart longs for shelter to know someone's there. Then a voice rises up within me saying hold on my child, i'll comfort you, I'll give you strength, just wait a little while.

I don't know why God chose to use this song other than it held a lot of meaning for me at the time I first sang it. But, it holds so much of God's truth and peace. I'm really learning that if I am going to get anywhere I need to let go of the pain, fear, and self-degredation so that God can move in and take over. And that song is what really turned the lights on and made me realize that by simply letting go I can bring so much more healing to my life. Truly letting go means I can focus on what is uniquely me and not worrying about one uping my sisters. I don't need to...I am me...not anyone else. It also means the freedom that not worrying so much about having friends right around me brings...I now realize that relationships are better when I am able to let go and know that the person will be there rather than holding on so tightly that I end up hurting the person. It also means that I will be more open to the people that God wants in my life at any given point in time rather than trying to hold on to those who I think I need. I pray that each of you will find this freedom in your own lives. To those of you seeking it, but thinking you won't find it.....hold on.....it is there for you to recieve, but I've learned that you have to be wiling to step out in faith and grab it before you can have that peace.

Within Loss, God always weaves a lesson and whispers a promise of healing.Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt